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1.
The sludge-colored truck,
speeding toward its next delivery,
braked with a blind
mechanical strength, skidded
fifty feet, rammed my car
broadside, didn’t stop--
the rutted gravel road
slid past, and rust-red leaves
lashed across the windshield,
and wind made dust
to cover up what happened.
Blood gurgled up my throat
while the suddenly tilting world
touched my forehead
with its dizzy thoughts.
I was so alone, so startled by it.
What’s dead and dying
fills the autumn air.
I smell it wherever I go.
2.
On the October tree:
three shriveled leaves, drab
brown and barely hanging on.
An idle gust of wind blows them
into the hurt world whose piles
dry at my feet. Bundled children--
ah, the plump wings of their arms--
play among damaged limbs, cut
branches, wind-bent weeds. Everything
will feed the fire. It’s as if winter
steals the leaves, and a skeleton,
a skeleton stands for your life.
3.
Dead light from a star far away
shines off fields of frosted stubble
picked clean by hungry crows.
Cold and lost in thought, I follow
a loosened string of fencewire,
my aching lungs a honeycomb of ice.
Spotting a discarded feather, I bring its velvet
delicacy to my cheek. One simple gesture
unlocks the heart. Blackbird, blackbird,
your discomforting cries come alive in my mouth.
4.
Three inches of new snow
and a full moon in the garden
and the dozens of ways
we’ve learned to say I love you.
It was a kind of aphrodisiac--
the world opening again to possibility--
but this time, the words we spoke
were cancer and surgery,
and in that exaggerated moment,
we reached out as if for the last time,
already knowing what the world
would come to mean without the other,
but I was not prepared for your blood everywhere--
between our legs, on our bellies, streaked
across the sheets. Sharp cries filled the room
as we rushed to wash ourselves clean,
not yet ready for the final question
we ask about our lives, not yet ready . . .
as water bled red down the drain’s cold throat.
5.
Dumped back into darkness.
Everyone gets a turn. It happens
even to saints this temptation
to despair. It might begin with a few
discontented branches rising then falling
with the saddest of gestures. It might
start one snowy day when the world
goes deaf to your voice. You sigh
but no one hears. The sky is gray.
The river creeps by with its mushy ice.
Sometimes a dream will get you there
when the one you love appears pale
and statue-still in a gravedigger’s cart.
The future yellows like old corn
left too long on the stalk. Ask those
happier than you; they’ll tell you
nothing lasts forever. Start with saplings,
and before you know it, scavengers arrive.
6.
Were it not for the delight of feeding,
carcasses would litter the ground
so thank the fox, wolf, and raven
who attack the dead with their hunger,
the swarming bottleblue flies and grubs,
minuscule gnats who lay black eggs
in putrid water, even hard-winged beetles
extracting glutinous matter out of dung
cattle drop in the field until it’s
light as the dust wind carries
miles before it slows. No bones
to be dragged to an open hole
then mournfully shoveled closed.
Each fallen tree
rots and crumbles
offering itself to fungi and slime mold,
spiders, bark lice, earwigs. What a simple end
for all things short-lived, fast-growing,
so why do I squirm imagining worms
wrapped around an eye socket
or sticking like bandages to your
discolored, decomposing bones?
7.
The air is dense with birds
as if something could happen,
as if a wing could be torn,
as if memory,
most fragile of all wings,
could hold forever what is torn.
This thinning wind
barely keeps my
far-flying thoughts afloat.
The one I love flies
through this poem.
Now, every bird is one bird,
every branch conquered by its weight.
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8.
The snow goose’s neck:
a slender stem
where winter grows.
It leads me
straight to field-hardened wheat
stretching all the way to the horizon.
A part of me goes with it.
All birds should be as white
as it is, the whole world
as it is: wing after wing,
each thought cold
and clean, feathered
and flying.
9.
Mid-winter,
the landscape dreary
and utterly remote,
I’m aware of your face,
the cast of ashes
I see in your face:
that same slate color
first perceived by a newborn
whose world stays
bathed in gray, whose eyes
accept color gradually
over the next few years.
Here we are, together,
back at the beginning again.
Here we are, dismayed
by that leaden sky,
these circular days.
10.
No angels this year,
just a wing of snow the wind
tossed on the porch.
It wasn’t like a bird.
Not at all heavenly.
It came with the force of
wilderness behind it
when it swept over me,
blurred my vision.
There was no rejoicing, but
it found the shape of my face
just before it fell.
11.
A peak of snow on the cut trunk:
a little requiem of white
covering growth rings
nested inside each other
so closely in this northern clime
they are impossible to count.
On my own finger,
a ring.
Let me recite the vows.
Night after night.
Like a slish of oil across the skin.
I’m happy now, I’m happy.
Don’t die. Don’t ever go away.
12.
In the lightning was--
oh, but the sky,
too, was part of it,
its gloomy mood
sinking into
an inky stand of pine
and then that repetitive
boom boom boom
until a tree trunk exploded in one
magnificent pop, cracked
in half, its defeated crown
head-down outside
the hospital window.
If prayer means
launching out of the heart
towards God,
then surely I prayed
each time another bolt
sent down its strict
tightrope of light.
13.
Ditchwater eases off the sandbags’
swollen hip, a provisional pause
on its way downhill to the churchyard
basement where run-off leaks
between cement cracks, oozes
around worn brickwork, seeps
into the carpet where children sit
on folding chairs, their own hands
folded in prayer. For a time,
it loses itself before emerging
beyond mossy gravestones
and straightaway from the afterlife
promised here, from the black-backed
Bible, the faithful with scripture trained
to habit on their tongues, committed
to its own course, its own muddy path,
gathering speed as it goes until it sounds
stunned by its own daring, and birds
waken in the swallowed fields
where everything freed and floating is
unleashed at last from the straightjacket of winter.
14.
Today it is coltsfoot with petaled suns
overrunning the roadside, drowsy flowers
bowing to that red thread in the east
I follow as if it were Ariadne’s light.
Last week, two thousand miles away,
it was a jellyfish with its single satin lung
fluttering in water. And before that,
a wafer of ice in a pocked metal saucepan
I left by the garden. Months ago,
after the hospital and the tubes and the blood,
it was the way that new scar slept
on my husband’s body, how the gold
wedding ring, worn smooth as a relic, felt
between my fingers as I rubbed his hand.
It could be almost anything. Certain moments come
when I turn away from the heart-shaking darkness
that governs a life, away from the odylic crows,
the decay I’m forever stirring into soil.
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